Happier Holidays
Question your unruly expectations and let the holidays renew you.
Dec 05
By Kathryn Dixon
It’s that time of year again. “Ho-ho-ho” and all of that. Tradition calls us to treasure the winter holidays, but more and more these days, quite a few of us describe them as less than jolly, and bordering on simply bothersome.
Our intentions are as good as can be, and yet for many, the holidays can be comprised of disappointments, exhaustion and depleted resources. How is it that such a good thing can go so bad so often? Sure, there are those precious moments to cherish every year, but they swim in a vast and deep ocean of frantic commercialism and obligatory activities.
Is there another way to see this season? Is there a different perspective, so the impetus behind our movement through the celebrations is one of choice and authenticity rather than well-intended yet frenzied conformity? Let’s investigate a common belief underlying much of the frenzy using a simple process of self-inquiry, The Work of Byron Katie (www.thework.com). You may want to take a moment to find your own answers to these simple questions for yourself, if you’d like to discover a new relationship to the holiday expectations in your own life.
Belief: If I don’t fulfill holiday expectations, people won’t love me.
Question 1. Is it true?
I don’t know. And don’t ask me to be willing to take the risk.
Question 2. How do I react when I believe this thought?
I react with anxiety, obligation and compromise all based on a question of my innate lovability-and no sugarplums at all. I look with trepidation on the upcoming weeks, with visions of past disappointing holidays dancing in my head. I treat my friends and loved ones like each one of their blessed souls become a liability as I yoke myself to the belief that I must think up an original and endearing gift so they don’t ever forget how much they matter to me and how cool I am. I consider Santa Claus to be a fat merciless elf and a humiliating role model for munificence.
I wander the winter streets mumbling “Bah Humbug” in between disingenuous smiles to passers-by and shopkeepers. I drag myself to parties when I’d rather stay home with a good book. Later I berate myself for my anti-social proclivities, because the truth is I love people every bit as much as good books-probably even more-although I don’t dress up for books.
I treat the real reason for this holiday-the sharing of the wondrous love within each one of us-as something I’ll get to “later,” and in the meantime the possibility dissipates into nothingness amidst the dazzling bling-bling of shopping malls and glittery wrappings.
3. Can I see a reason to drop this thought? (And please understand that this question is not asking one to drop the thought. The question is merely can I see a reason to drop the thought?)
Yes, I can see plenty of reasons to drop this belief. It causes nothing but stress.
4. Who would I be without this belief?
Without the belief that people won’t love me if I don’t fulfill their/my holiday expectations, I would lighten up; not work so hard at ingratiation and I’d experience greater inner peace. I would be more honest with myself and others about what I truly want to do and what I truly don’t.
Santa would be a reliably charming inspiration-both for his joyful generosity as well as size acceptance. I would only go to parties that tickle my fancy, and I’d enjoy myself without reservation while partying-and go home and write my own book.
I would consider the possibility that people might just love me because of who I am, not for what I give them or how willingly I compromise for their approval. I’d be less likely to hold exacting expectations for others, as I’d be subjecting myself to fewer of the same. I would feel more loving of others, myself and life in general-with or without exchanges of any kind. Love would no longer rely on the external, but merely be a reflection of the internal abundance-which I hear is infinite.
Wow. That’s quite a different view of this sacred season. Now it’s time for what Byron Katie calls the “Turn-Around.” This is where one takes the original stressful belief and does some origami folding with it. Turning it around in various ways-to its opposite, switching subject and object, and making it all about oneself-will reveal surprising possibilities that are usually as true, often truer than the original notion. Just let yourself play with it. Some will resonate immediately, others will come to you in their own time.
If I don’t fulfill holiday expectations, people will love me. That possibility certainly rings of truth. I’d be a more honest individual which is a more appealing trait than any effortful concessions to the season.
If I do fulfill holiday expectations, people won’t love me. That also rings truly. Giving things doesn’t promise, and may not even promote greater love. And, if I fulfill expectations every time, the affection I garner could well be the result of my performance rather than my essence. I’d rather have my essence loved any day.
If I don’t fulfill holiday expectations, I won’t love me. Yes, I am more fickle than others appear to be in my loving of me. And I can be pretty hard on myself when I don’t meet the expectations that I believe define my ability to love and lovability. Good thing it isn’t true.
If I do fulfill holiday expectations, I won’t love me. That’s right on the money again. If my expectations are not in alignment with my inner truth, running me ragged out of obligation is not loving or kind to myself. And, it tends to bring out the Scrooge in me.
Perhaps the truest giving is from me and to me -and the gift is the living of my authenticity, exactly as I am – being moved as I am genuinely moved to be in each and every moment. In that I receive abundantly, and therefore I have great and true riches to share. Wrap that one up! And, Happy Holidays to you and yours.
Copyright © 2005 New Moon Press. Catalyst Magazine
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